FEBRUARY 7, 2026

"I very much dislike seafood."

OMG OMG OMG I FINALLY HAVE A PLACE TO PUT THIS DAMN FISHTANK.. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO FIND A PLACE FOR THIS GIF ON MY SITE FOR AGES AND NOW IT FINALLY HAS A HOMEEEE. Tbh I get asked a lot if I like sea food.. NO!!I HATE seafood. I think fish are awesome tho, and I love the water. I just hate sand, it's the texture of sand that I cannot seem to tolerate. I lob fesh heheh. They are cute.

    Anyways... Today has been more of a chill day. I haven't made an entry in a while, so I'll catch you up.

Lovebug and I went to a local music store, which we tend to go to on almost every date since he plays guitar and I'm wanting to start getting into drumming. I got myself my first pair of drumsticks, which are pink to match everything else I own lol. He spoiled a surprise he had for me unfortunately, which I'm actually extremely surprised he managed to keep secret for almost a year. He told me that on our prom day, he'd buy me my own drumset for our apartment when we move in together. I'm like... so beyond shocked that he already has one he's looking at for me. He told me how he saw how much I enjoyed it, and said he's been saving up for a while, which is CRAZY because he currently works at a small local fast food chain. I really wish I could start practicing drums, but I don't have a drumset to practice with, and lessons are insanely expensive, so I'll probably teach myself how to play once I get my drumset, or just watch YT videos at one of the public drumsets at our local music store. He and I occassionally talk about potentially starting a band or something when we move out, because our friend N will be our roomate, and he's actually pretty good at singing and vocals, ofc he's a choir kid though, so it's not surprising considering he enjoys it.

There's a lot of things I would like to work on, but I don't see them as issues about myself, and more of bad habits that can be improved upon and turned into something more beneficial. My personal goals to improve upon before I focus on the others are the goals that I feel are harder to achieve, hence why I'm putting them before my other personal improvement goals.

Being myself:

i've spent a long time hiding myself for the comfort of others, or molding myself into what I thought others would be more comfortable with. Because of that, I continue to have no idea who I am or what I like even as I go into adulthood. I tend to be easily moved by others due to not having a concrete sense of self. I tend to have billions of different versions of myself, but maybe that's just the artist in me. I don't know who I am, because all I ever wanted to be was joy and positivity. I wanted to be what made people happy, so I changed myself constantly to fit what I noticed made the people around me happy, although oftentimes I didn't do things right and ended up hurting them worse in the end.

I spent so long being hated by people around me, that I did anything I could to at least have someone tolerate me. I pretended and acted as whatever I saw someone liked because I was desperate for connection, having spent my childhood alone due to being the "weird kid". I have a very limited sense of self, if any sense of self at all. I'm trying to work on just being, not at all focusing on what I'm doing or how I am. That's hard due to me being on the spectrum, I constantly am focused on every little thing I do or say to avoid conflict since I struggle IMMENSELY in the social world. I tend to want friends, but then I'm awful at keeping them. I hate talking. I hate interacting. I hate having to socialize. I enjoy being around people, but I hate interacting with them. I guess people think I'm rude or snobby because of it, but I don't think I am. Anyways, I'm wanting to work on no longer people pleasing, and creating a sense of self, figuring out who I am and what I enjoy, what my goals are and what I want to do with my life going forward.